Oversharing. It's awesome.

I've lately decided besides all the nice normal reasons for wanting a boyfriend (love, sex, companionship- i.e. the basics) there would be some definite other upsides to having someone else around.

1. At least it wouldn't seem like I was talking to myself at home, I could just pretend I was actually talking to the other person.

2. Someone to put lotion on the spot of your back that you can't reach no matter which way you try to contort yourself. Seriously, WTF is with this section always being exceptionally dry and hurty and itchy. It's a real fucking pisser.

3. Cheer with me while I watch sports (uh, hopefully we like the same teams). I realize this is sort of related to #1. Plus this will keep me from eating all the hanky panks myself.

4. Have you ever tried to flip a queen size mattress on your own? It's unbelievably hard (that's what she said!...sorry, I couldn't resist) and one of these days I fully expect mid-flippage that I'll lose my grip on it and the entire thing will come crashing down and pin me against the floor. And when I call for help there will be no one to hear me, perhaps I should just get a Med-Alert call button for situations like this?

5. Someone else to peek outside when they hear some loud banging noise that cannot be identified. About 50% of the time I'm fully convinced that I'll pull back the shade and there will be a serial killer standing there banging my trashcan lid against the grill. It would be nice if someone else could look outside and tell me to stop being such a crazy.

6. I'm absolutely worried that this last one will make you think I'm a total freak, more freaktastic than someone who wants a boyfriend to rub lotion on her back and check the backyard for scary axe wielding murders while she talks to herself. Every so often (a couple of days after a hard workout) it would be nice if someone rubbed my bottom. Yes, right. The bottom area or not so delicately: my ass. I can't help it. It gets tight and sore and my hamstrings feel like the are being shredded every time I move ( I know hamstrings are not located in the bottom- but they are connected and it all hurts so I include them). Oh and I stretch all the time. I try to get massages once a month to help keep injuries at bay (do this, it's magical how many fewer injuries I get) and I always make sure to ask that they "loosen up my hips, whicharetightfromrunning". Oh holy fuck, this totally makes it sound like I'm going to some back alley "massage parlor" looking for sex instead of a real massage. Damnit. I give up. I probably should delete this whole last one and just call it a fucking day and be done with it.

In summation, my butt gets sore from working out, it would be nice if my hypothetical boyfriend would like to occasionally make it feel better. THE END.

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  • At February 20, 2009 11:33 AM, Blogger Marianne said…

    I talk to my dog. A lot. More than is normal for sure. And I have to say, I tried to get Chris to give me a massage and he had no idea what he was doing. I want to send him to massage school or something, for my own selfish benefit.

  • At February 22, 2009 5:01 PM, Blogger Lincoln said…

    So after I laughed a lot...I thought about this post and agreed. While people may make fun of the butt being massaged...it does feel quite good. It is one big muscle after all. Why shouldn't it be massaged? I hope you find a boy to do it for you.

  • At February 22, 2009 5:36 PM, Blogger Skeezix said…

    Lincoln! Exactly, it is one big muscle.

    Marianne, a pet would be a brilliant solution to the talking to myself problem. Plus if I find a dog as cute as yours it would be a total bonus.

  • At February 27, 2009 7:05 PM, Anonymous Moose said…

    Hypothetical boyfriends are awesome. Not only do they give massages, they make you cocktails. The real trick is turning "hypothetical" into "actual."


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