New Year's Eve Confession Monday, December 31, 2007There are things that sometimes I want to write about yet I keep them mum. Mostly because if I never talk about them then I won't have to re-read entries and be disappointed that it might have gone wrong or embarassed at my feelings. But that is some sort of self-censorship that I think really might not do me any favors in the end. Perhaps I'm just feeling contemplative about everything since the new year is upon us. I tend to get a bit blue and sad around the new year. It is odd but every year starts this way and over the years I've just come to accept it.
I've been preoccupied lately and have found that I cannot seem to put words down onto paper. Instead I've caught myself staring out into space completely lost in thought without having done a single damn thing.
Right now I'm finding myself with a big ol' crush on a friend of mine. Luckily the feeling is mutual, but still a little scary and new and fluttery. The upside is that because of the fluttery stomach I've barely been able to eat and thus managed to avoid packing in the holiday treats. Although you know you haven't eaten much when your new soon-to-be sister-in-law comments that you barely have any Christmas dinner on your plate. And that really is a crime isn't it? All of that delicious turkey that I couldn't bear to eat.
I've been making a valiant effort at trying not get ahead of myself and instead just enjoy what we've got. But the scaredy cat feeling is still alive and kicking. Just under the surface.
Lately I've been listening to Dan Savage's podcast and he is a genius. Plus listening to his podcasts at work makes me feel a little bit subversive since no one else knows that I've got Dan Savage saying dirty, dirty things into my ear. I've picked up a few sayings from him, my current favorite being "Every relationship fails until the one that doesn't."
Which is so true and often so easy to lose sight of. If this goes downhill I'll do what I've done before...lick my wounds and then pick myself up off the floor brushing off the cookie crumbs, throw away the empty wine bottles, comb my nattered hair and give someone else a shot.
For now though I'm focusing on the soft little squiggly melty feeling I get when he asks to hold my hand after spending the night being run through the gauntlet that is meeting my friends.
In fact Holly over at Nothing But Bonfires wrote about a quote that really seems to speak to me. And since I know that I'll never be able to eloquently re-phrase what she has already put so well, I'll just link to it for the sake of saving you all from my attempt
Ali Smith "In the end, everything simply began."
I think that is the nice thought to begin the new year. Happy New Year to everyone!